Scary Shiny Glasses
by Lady Nightspike
Summary: Inspired by the TV trope. Read all about Ishida's adventures...with glasses! Watch his 'glasses' warfare tactics! Witness the insanity of Hueco Mundo through the lens of...err...lenses?


A long time ago, in a galazy known as my dorm room, I wrote a lovely story about Aizen/Momo. In the middle of updating tSHiH today, I remembered that story, which I thought I had completed and uploaded. Turns out, I didn't.

What does this have to do with you? Well, I found the following, which was written under extreme duress and probably caffeine. It's mostly Ishida centric and it takes place during the invasion of Hueco Mundo...well, for the most part.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Bleach. Mostly because I disapprove of owning sucessful anime franchises on principle. :-P

* * *

_Scary Shiny Glasses_

I

Villains just don't have pink hair.

And here he is, stuck with Renji, at the complete and total mercy of someone who thinks _he's_ an idiot, when clearly anyone with Pink. Hair. Should be concerned about his own damn place on the moron list.

Pinky smiles and adjusts his glasses, a move cleverly designed to shock and terrify them. _Scare tactics! _thinks Ishida sourly, pushing up his own glasses in an act of counter-terrorism. Pinky frowns and readjusts his own glasses. Ishida does the daring One-Finger Push in retaliation. P executes the same but adds a catlike Hair Brush, a quick, daring motion. Ishida counters with the dreaded Raise and Lower Your Eyebrows which lowers his glasses by half a centimeter. Szayel slowly lets one finger slide up his nose to raise his glasses, then carefully strokes back down, holding Ishida's full attention.

_Hmm, he's a tough one_, Ishida worries. _Now what do I do?_

It's obviously time for the nuclear freaking bomb of glasses warfare, a move which Ishida has only performed for his bedroom mirror. Putting his hand over his mouth and the lower part of his nose, he leans forward into his extended index finger, taking a deep breath, eyes closed. He is the perfect picture of intense emotion. As he leans back, his finger naturally slides down his nose and onto his bottom lip. It plays with the moisture on that lip, lingering for one instant, before slipping off his nose. His eyes capture his opponents; his hand slips back to his side.

Pinky stares in shock.

Renji, feeling entirely left out, crinkles his forehead and adjusts his headband.

II

Orihime leaned in closer. "In fact, Ishida-kun, I've been waiting for this moment."

Ishida's latest sewing project fell from his hands. Neither of them noticed the soft sound. Panicked, he glanced around to make sure they were alone, _oh please, let us be alone…_

Orihime drew in an unsteady breath. He was so close to her, he could feel the fluctuations, the way the air touched his lips.

He closed his eyes and leaned forward. "Ishida-kun," Orihime said again. He could feel her hands moving up the side of his face…"I've waited too long for this."

Ishida took a shaky breath and prepared his lips for their first ever kiss. At least, he _hoped_ that they were properly prepared. His thoughts were cacophonous in the silence. _Oh my Orihime what if I screw this up…don't screw this up…you idiot doesn't she like Kurosaki—wait, didn't she like him—no, she deserves better than him—if I'm better than him—come on you really don't believe that do you?_

Orihime's hands, slightly cold, tilted his face. He leaned in, heart beating, hoping that at any moment he would feel her lips…

Orihime's hands, stealthy in their disguise, snatched his glasses off his face. Orihime's footsteps ran down the hallway, chasing her laughter.

Ishida's eyes sprang open. "ORIHIME!"

III

"You stole my power!" Szayel writhed on the ground, prey to Captain Mayuri's deadly attack.

Mayuri smiled; Ishida and Renji recoiled in fear. "Oh really now," he drawled. "I hope you don't mean—_these_?" With a menacing hand, he snapped Szayel's glasses in half. The Espada moaned in pain. Mayuri raised a single foot. STOMP.

"Aaaaaah!" Szayel shrieked. "Nooo! I can't SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mayuri sighed. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that you can't fight without them? If I recall correctly, former Captain Tousen has been blind from birth and yet he can fight."

Apparently the Eighth Espada had never heard of such a thing, since he was rolling on the ground and wailing. Mayuri sighed. "Well then," he said, turning away. "Have a nice day. Nemu, come on! We're leaving!"

Ishida and Renji looked at each other, then at the glasses broken on the ground. Ishida hauled himself over to where Szayel was laying, prone and stunned in his defeat.

"Hello Pinky, " he said, right in the Espada's face so he could see who it was. "Remember me?"

IV

"Ichigo!"

Ishida sighed. "How many times must I tell you, my name is NOT Ichigo!"

"But how do I know that you're not Ichigo? You could be lying to me!"

Ishida's glasses shined menacingly. "Look, do I look anything like Ichigo? Ichigo has orange hair. My hair is black! Ichigo is wearing black Shinigami robes and I am wearing a white Quincy outfit! Ichigo has a sword and I have a bow! Ichigo has brownish eyes and mine are clearly blue! Can't you get anything right?!"

Glaring at the yellow-eyed, bug-horned idiot, who considered HIM the weakest because of his physical appearance (a sore spot for Ishida), he felt his brain twitch in disgust. There was really only so much he could take without breaking. Not that he would waste an actual attack on that fool. He would just intimidate him. Maybe then Pesche would stop muttering about how 'frail' he looked behind his back.

Yellow and blue warred without making any progress; Ishida began to feel as if he was staring down a wall. Pesche's Hollow eyes held no emotion and no communication. They were like painted-on windows decorating a blank wall.

...

...

...

"AHA! I GET IT!" Pesche shouted triumphantly. Ishida sighed in relief. Raising a hand in triumph, Pesche declared, "Ichigo...doesn't have glasses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was at moments like this that just a tiny part of Ishida wished...okay, so maybe a large part of him...okay, so maybe he wished for this all the time...that he had a Bankai.

* * *

So, if you liked it...let me know.

Who else has scary shiny glasses? I think I'm going to do a chapter on Nanao-chan and Shunsui and their SSG adventures, but...

Aizen would have scary shiny glasses, except he's all nice and crap until the glasses come OFF. He has like, rosy glasses or something.


End file.
